


I Had A Choice

by Damien_Blake_Potter



Series: Damien's Harry Potter One-Shots [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Harry, Depression, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Light Angst, My First AO3 Post, Post-War, References to Depression, Suicidal Harry, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-11-07 21:56:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20824439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damien_Blake_Potter/pseuds/Damien_Blake_Potter
Summary: After Harry sneaks off from the Great Hall, Ron and Hermione go after him, not wanting to have him out of their sights after thinking that he was dead while he was in Hagrid's arms.Harry meanwhile, is plagued with survivors guilt, and contemplates the choice Dumbledore had given him at the place that looked like King's Cross Station.





	I Had A Choice

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Fanfiction to be posted on Ao3, so I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> I will also warn you now, I beta my own work, so there may still be some spelling or grammar mistakes that I might have missed, please let me know if you find any so I can fix them. 
> 
> If any of the tags trigger you, please proceed with caution if you still choose to read this story.

After Harry escaped from all the activity in the Great Hall, he started heading for the Gryffindor common room, hoping to finally relax after everything that had happened in the last year.

Walking down the corridors in the light of day, with no death eaters to pose an immediate danger, allowed him to finally take in all the damage done to the school. He didn't pass any bodies, they were all in the Great Hall, but he did spot splatters of blood amid all the rubble from the stone walls that had been blasted apart during the fighting. The sight made him feel sick. He didn't know exactly how many people were actually killed, instead of just injured, but he knew the number wasn't going to be a small one. The thought of all the families who had lost someone in this war made him feel so guilty, if only he could've been able to end the war sooner...

Why didn't Dumbledore do more to prepare him? The man didn't even train Harry, not really, he didn't even learn any new spells or battle techniques during any of the meetings in the Headmaster's office during sixth year. All the Headmaster did was show him Voldemort's memories, and while they did help him figure out more about the man in order to find his horcruxes, they didn't do anything to prepare him for actually facing the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters, and it was only pure luck that Harry, Ron, and Hermione survived their short stint in Malfoy Manor. The final showdown between Harry and Voldemort could have gone so very wrong too, it was only a very specific set of circumstances that allowed Harry to become the Master of the Elder Wand, and if he hadn't of overpowered Draco back at Malfoy Manor, then the Dark Lord could've easily have beaten Harry. A normal seventeen year old would've never been able to defeat a seventy-something year old Dark Lord. _But then again, _Harry thought bitterly to himself, _I've never been normal have I?_

Harry soon came across the portrait of the Fat Lady, and made sure to remove his invisibility cloak and put it in his moleskin bag before he opened his mouth to give the password, only to remember that he didn't know what it was currently. Thankfully, the Fat Lady smiled down at him, and said, "Dear, there's no need for a password. The new headmistress hasn't set one yet, and you look like you could use some rest anyhow. Now go on, get some sleep."

Harry thanked her as her portrait swung open to allow him entrance. He climbed through the portrait hole and walked over to sit on the couch in front of the fireplace, which was surprisingly still burning strong. 

He stared into the flames for a long while, just letting the silence wash over him, the only sounds being the crackling of the fire, and his own heartbeat.

It felt like hours had passed, although it had probably only been about ten minutes, when Harry heard the portrait hole open again, and then the soft sounds of two people walking toward him. He didn't move his gaze away from the fire until he felt the two sit on the couch to the right of him, then he looked up. 

Two sets of brown eyes were staring back at him worriedly, one coming from a girl with dark skin and bushy brown hair, the other coming from a boy with pale skin covered in freckles and red hair. Both of their clothes were dirty and torn, just like Harry's, and as the trio took in each others appearances, they shared looks of pained understanding.

Hermione hesitated only a moment to ask, "May I hug you?" and after receiving Harry's nod, she wasted no time in throwing her arms around him and burying her face into his shoulder. Harry felt her trembling from the effort of trying to hold back her tears, so he wrapped his arms around her in return and gave her a gentle squeeze.

"I'm alright Hermione. Really, I'm okay." He soothed, trying to get her to calm down. He looked over her shoulder at Ron, silently asking for help. Ron got the message and gently pulled Hermione away before wiping the tears off her face. She smiled slightly at Ron in thanks and gave him a small kiss on the cheek before they both returned their attention back to Harry.

Hermione gently took Harry's hands in hers as she said, "Oh Harry, we were so worried about you. We didn't know where you'd gone and when we asked around no one knew where you were and then Luna came up to us and told us about how she'd made a distraction to give you the chance to slip away and that you might've come up here and—"

"Hermione, _breath_. Take a breath and slow down, okay?" Ron interrupted her. 

Hermione obeyed, taking a deep breath before letting in out in a sigh, "Harry... Just... What _happened?"_

Harry knew she wasn't just asking about why he left the hall. Her question was asking so many different things at once; _Where did you go during the hour break in fighting? Why did you give yourself up? What happened in the forest? How are you alive?_

Harry wasn't sure where to start, it seemed like things had boiled down to the same old question: Hallows or Horcruxes? 

After thinking about it for a moment, Harry figured that his best friends would probably want to know why he gave himself up first. Harry sighed, horcruxes in was then. 

Harry slowly recounted the events leading up to his decision to face Voldemort in the forest; he told them about going up to the Headmaster's office, watching Snape's memories in Dumbledore's pensieve, and coming to the realization that he was the last horcrux and thus, needed to die in order for Voldemort to be defeated.

"... And after I told Neville to kill the snake, I used the invisibility cloak to sneak out of the castle and into the forest." Harry finished with his head down, not wanting to see the expressions of horror that he knew were on his best friends faces. Throughout his explanation, he had heard them choking back tears as they finally came to understand just why he had to give himself up for death. He hated that he was making them upset, but they deserved to know the truth. Although, he had decided to keep quiet about using the resurrection stone for now, that moment just seemed a bit too personal to talk about right now.

"Blimey mate..." Ron breathed. "Did... Did you-know-who actually... You know... Use the killing curse?"

"Yes, he did." Harry confirmed, nodding.

"But, then how did you survive, Harry?" Hermione asked in disbelief. "It was incredible enough that you lived through that once, the chances of you surviving it again should have been slim to none!"

Harry snorted, "Yeah... Well apparently I'm just destined to be the Boy-Who-Lived... Again." Harry shook his head, "Anyway, after I was hit by the killing curse..." And off he went again, this time telling them about waking up in a place that looked like Kings Cross Station, only cleaner, and seeing the grotesque baby that was the piece of Voldemort's soul, along with meeting up with Dumbledore, and the conversation that followed. The only thing he didn't tell them, was that he was given a choice. He'd tell them that after all the explanations were done.

The common room descended into silence as Ron and Hermione took the time to process everything they'd been told. 

"Bloody hell." Ron finally said. 

Harry snorted as Hermione smacked the back of Ron's head for his elegant word choice.

"Alright, alright!" Ron held his hands up innocently, "In all seriousness though, it's just crazy to think that all that stuff that Skeeter wrote about Dumbledore and Grindelwald is actually true... And the Deathly Hallows! Blimey mate, this means you're the literal Master of the Elder Wand! An unbeatable wand Harry! I'd kill for a wand like that..." Ron trailed off dreamily. 

"Ron, while I agree that all that is fascinating," Hermione started, "I'm more interested in the fact that Voldemort indirectly led to his own downfall... If had used someone else's blood... Harry, you probably wouldn't have survived that second killing curse. It's just... Crazy that everything he tried to do to ensure he would live ended being the very things that led to his death."

"I know. I just, I don't know what to think, if I'm being honest." Harry took a deep breath, "I... I left a few things out though." Ron and Hermione looked at him, a bit concerned by the slight shake in their friend's voice, "Before I went to find Voldemort in the forest, I... I used the resurrection stone." His friends gasped at that, but Harry just plowed right on, "It was in the snitch, just like I thought. I had to tell it that I was about to die in order for it to open. '_I open at the close.'_" Harry quoted with his eyes shut. "I open at death, in other words. When I used the stone, Remus, Sirius, and... My mom and dad appeared." Harry smiled slightly, "They told me they were proud of me, and that they would stay with me till the very end. They gave me the courage I needed to face Voldemort unarmed." Harry opened his eyes and turned his gaze towards his best friends, who both had tears in their eyes as they listened.

Harry continued, "And when I was talking with Dumbledore, he... He told me I had a choice." Harry paused. 

"What kind of choice?" Ron asked gently.

"He told me that I could choose to return to my body, which I did, or... I could have boarded a train. Which would have taken me to the next great adventure." Harry finished quietly.

Ron and Hermione were silent for a moment.

"Harry," Hermione started slowly, "Why did you leave this out earlier?"

Harry gulped. "Because I... I thought about not coming back. I seriously thought about just... Going on and joining my family."

Ron let out a slow breath, "Why didn't you?" Both Ron and Hermione were shocked at this revelation, although, they thought they really shouldn't have been, Harry had been through so much. It makes sense that he would want to escape from it all. 

"Because I knew that if I left, there was still a chance that Voldemort could win... I had to come back and... And make sure he couldn't hurt anyone anymore. I had to make sure it was over." Harry told them. 

"Oh, Harry..." Hermione whispered as she tugged him into another hug, loose enough that Harry could pull away if he wanted to. 

Harry shuddered as he tried to keep from breaking down, "I wanted to go... I wanted to go on _so much." _Harry's breath hitched, "But I couldn't leave without knowing that no else was going to get killed because of my inaction... It's bad enough that I wasn't able to stop Voldemort sooner, and now so many people are dead thanks to this war and it's not fair that I got to live but they didn't and I'm just so _tired _guys... I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of living up to expectations, I'm tired of letting everyone down and getting everyone killed... I'm just tired of _everything._ I want it to stop..."

Ron and Hermione shared a pained glance. They had had no idea that Harry was hurting so badly... It was truly heartbreaking.

"Shh, Harry... It's okay, you're okay. Nothing that Voldemort did was your fault. No, don't argue." Hermione interrupted Harry's attempt to protest, "We know you're tired Harry, but you can't give up. Things will get better, I promise. Voldemort's gone, you can stop fighting now. It's alright."

Ron leaned over to wrap his long arms around both of his best friends, trying to offer silent comfort and support.

Harry slowly calmed down after a while, leaning back and wiping the tears that had fallen off his face. He sighed, "Thanks guys. I–I feel a little better now."

"It's no problem mate, we just want to be able to be there for you when you need us." Ron told him sincerely. 

"Yeah Harry, please promise us that if you start feeling this way again, you'll come to us before doing anything that can't be undone? We'd be completely devastated if we lost you." Hermione said, slightly tearful.

"I... I promise." Harry promised. 

The trio sat it silence for a few minutes, just enjoying each others silent company.

"So... Are you going to get back together with my sister? Because if so, it is my duty as her older brother to warn you that if you break her heart, I will break you."

Harry snorted and smiled, "Yes Ron, and I understand. I wouldn't want you to do anything different."

Hermione huffed slightly with a small smile, "Boys."

"What?" Ron and Harry asked in unison, both looking at her innocently.

Hermione couldn't help it, she burst into giggles at their expressions, which set off both of the boys as well. 

Recovering from this war would be hard they knew, but as their laughter filled the air around them, the trio knew that in time, things would get better. It time, they would heal. And they would do it like they did everything else: _**together.**_

_ _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it even though I kind of rushed through it a bit!
> 
> I know the ending was a bit crap, but I couldn't think of a good way to finish it. 
> 
> Please leave a kodos, and leave a comment! Constructive criticism is welcome!


End file.
